Is the begining

Well today i begin my quest for happiness.

Yes kids thats right, that ever present hardly found quantatiy that mystifies us into a moral dilema.

Does one persons hapiness cause misery for others ? im pretty certain that my misery only improves one persons life but im going to ignore her dispicable nature and concentrate on the future of me.

My goals from today :

1) Get a new job
2) Find a new home
3) Be with someone who loves me for me and allows me to love them for them
4) Be with my Child
5) Improve my family standings
6) Keep better contact with good friends
7) Keep less contact with bad ones
8) Enjoy myself more
9) Improve my qualifications
10) Improve my fitness

There ya go, I made a list of ten things i want, and they should make me happy dont ya think ?

Okay so you have read this far, though why im not sure ... all i can say is that there is no point in writing something unless you accept that it will be read. You must accept that anything that you write will be judged. You must accept that not everyones judgement will be posative. You must accept I write this for me, and that I am my own worst judge.

Im in the early stages of middle agedness and to be honest, ive not really achieved anything id expected of myself, though i have one amazing accomplishment, and she is growing up so fast, and i dont get to see how she blossoms.

Im divorced and single though neither by choice, I live in a shared house with people i could live without as my bond making becomes more limited with each passing day. Though my old bonds stay strong throughout.

This is my first blog ... this night Im not in the mood to sleep, This night I shall type in the hope that my feelings become clear to me though how this will pan out im not sure, how personal should I make this, or will it all be situational and proove that I am no-body I know.

I think I shall start with a poem ... they seem to come easy to me, though I have not had the tutoring nor the study.

***

I'm awake ... or at least I think I am
I move and see as if i were
though maybe its all a scam
In the corner of my eye i saw a blur

Has it past me already ?
I cannot remember if i were chasing it or racing it
im not even sure if i ever knew what 'it' was
its probably nothing

where was I, ah yes, awake
not just a dream or a lasting thought
not just an expanding ripple in a lake
but awake and alive, new experiences to be taught.

but what manotony is this i fear
the same damned day that it was before
the same drivvel being pumped in my ear
its all just enough to bring my knees to the floor

I scream a silent blast of sonic miscalculation
I have no air in my lungs no wind beneath my wings
down trodden down tempo my personell insurection
its all just sat on top of me balanced with all the little things

I feel so alone sometimes I find it hard to see you there
you know I know you are my friends and that you think of me
its not like i dont believe you, nothing like that but to be fair
do not let me be by myself dont just let me be

but yes awake i am for now at least for that i testify
Im in my living nightmare battling my own duality
but at least my eyes are open to see the beautiful lie
ill smile while being jolly and be strong in my own frailty

The blur went by again
so familiar and so youthful
I must catch it, join it
I cant let life pass me by

***

right, theres an essay there and my eyes are finally closing a bit so im gonna hit the hay.

hope i dont have a shit day tomorrow.

note to self ... eat those oats before work